I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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