Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
