Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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