I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize