will power is for people who don't want to get laid
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
