I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
