Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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