You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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