so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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