The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
