I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
