1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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