Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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