I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
