Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
