I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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