dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
