Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
