mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
