Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
