It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
