I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
