Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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