Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
