Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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