I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
