I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
