I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
