Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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