when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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