I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
