No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
