my mouth tastes like poor choices
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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