i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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