Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Is Oprah even human
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
