Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
