I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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