he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
