I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Less talking, more tequila
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
