Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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