omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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