I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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