you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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