my mouth tastes like poor choices
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
as a side note pls kill me
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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