turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
