I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Randomize
