I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
