I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
