be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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