I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she peed on how many people?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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