My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
