I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
