I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
