if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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