im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
