She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
